to end
December 31, 2011
It would seem appropriate to send the year out with something brilliant: a good resolution made, a wise lesson learned. I’ve been two pages from the end of my journal for a week now, not writing because I like to end journals well, though no one may ever read them. Like Beckett’s Hamm, “I hesitate to … end.” But the year goes out, whether I have the words for it or not, and wisdom does not arrive in neat yearly doses which one may measure and display at the year’s end. Today has not been a day of knowing. Today, with Eliot,
“The only wisdom [I] can hope to acquire
Is the wisdom of humility: humility is endless.”
Endless, and endlessly reiterating, to the girl who carefully follows rules in order to do all things perfectly, that she does not, that she cannot, that this is, somehow, as it ought to be:
“In order to arrive at what you are not
You must go through the way in which you are not.
And what you do not know is the only thing you know
And what you own is what you do not own
And where you are is where you are not.”
So that I’ve held the words so many dozen times and known them to be true and said that I will arrive there, at what I am not yet. But the way is a hard way, and the going is slow going, and there is self always creeping back to possess the relinquished things, insisting that it is my right to know and to enjoy and to be in whatever way I like best. So that the year does not end neatly: these lessons learned and set aside; new books purchased with new lessons for the new year. No. The year goes out with the old battle still whirling, and the girl weary and not sufficient for these things, clinging to the One who is.
And, after all, she could be in no better place.
January 1, 2012 at 1:22 am
“In order to arrive at what you are not
You must go through the way in which you are not.
And what you do not know is the only thing you know
And what you own is what you do not own
And where you are is where you are not.”
I have re-read these lines many times as well, …and then when I came across this prayer by the Puritans I was struck by its similarity:
“Lord, High and Holy, Meek and Lowly…
Let me learn by paradox
that the way down is the way up,
that to be low is to be high,
that the broken heart is the healed heart,
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is to possess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive,
that the valley is the place of vision.”
My new year, too, is not neat and tidy, but nonetheless I hope this is beneficial to you, as it has been beneficial for me.
And I think, perhaps, the battle might continue to whirl, but I remember this verse and in it there is much hope, “These will wage war against the Lamb, and the Lamb will overcome them, because He is Lord of lords and King of kings, and those who are with Him are the called and chosen and faithful.” Happy new year!
January 1, 2012 at 9:40 am
Happy new year, and thank you, Chris Brown! I need to revisit the Valley of Vision.
January 1, 2012 at 6:11 am
Amen!
January 1, 2012 at 9:44 am
A thoroughly modern Pilgrim’s Progress….I do love Eliot. Happy New Year.
January 1, 2012 at 11:22 pm
Happy New Year to you, as well!